Jokes

The Magician from Mark Worley

There was a magician that performed magic shows on a ship.  The ship's captain had a parrot that would give away the magic behind the magician's tricks while he performed.  He would yell, "It's up your sleeve!" or "Under the table, dummies!".  The magician was getting very frustrated at the bird, but he couldn't do anything about it since it was the captain's parrot.  One day the ship sank and the parrot and the magician were forced to float across the sea holding on to the same piece of wood.  After 3 days of fiercely staring at each other, the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up.  What did you do with the ship?"

The Plumber  from Doyle Turney

A little old lady owned a very sweet parrot who would only say one thing.  Every time the phone or the doorbell rang the parrot would scream out "Who is it?"  One day the lady forgot she was expecting a plumber to come to her house and went to the store.  When the plumber arrived, he rang the doorbell.  The parrot screamed "Who is it?"  The voice rang back, "It's the plumber."  A few seconds later the parrot screams, "Who is it?"  The man yells, "It's the plumber."  A few seconds later the parrot repeats his only words.  Again the man yells, "IT'S THE PLUMBER."  Again the bird says, "Who is it?"  "IT'S THE PLUM... at that point the man grabs his chest and falls over dead from a heart attack.  A few minutes later the little old lady comes home and finds the man dead on her porch and creams, "Oh, my heavens.  Who is it?"  From inside the house, she hears the parrot say, "It's the plumber."

The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive.  Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind.

Nothing worked.  He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse.  He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments, he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming, and then, suddenly, all was quiet.  David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions.  I ask for your forgiveness.  I will try to check my behavior."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued.  "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Wondering:

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.  A young man walked up
to the bench and sat down.  He had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared.   Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.  The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.  I was just wondering if you were my son."

The Bulldog

Wanda's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat."
"Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog.  He won't bother you."
"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen.  But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled. "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"  To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"